December is a month of mixed feelings for me. I don’t think I’ll ever lose my love for winter with it’s bare, lifeless trees and gray skies. I love the feeling of staring into the dark and watching the snow fall, obscuring all traces of humanity with it’s muting blanket of pale cold, and the crisp crack of ice never fails to bring a smile.

But all of that has been overshadowed. Four years ago my father died and damn it all if I don’t still feel like it happened yesterday. He was a good man. The only one I ever met who let me be an adult and make decisions that he hated while recognizing that they were mine to make. He never once told me I was wrong, leaving any comments at the borderline of simple disagreement. I took him for granted while he was here and only since he’s been gone have I realized how much I needed someone who could do that in my life. He understood that arguing with me only drives me to do things out of spite. Stubborn.

Funny thing is: I’m still learning from him. Guess that’s the mark of a well-lived life.

I miss him. Damn.

Hi. Hello.

Well, It's been recently brought to my attention that I have been absent for a while. Mea Culpa. I suppose I owe you lovelies a bit of an update. To be honest I've been spending a lot of time on another continent of the verdant blogosphere. It's much less stressful and I don't feel like as much of a tool for posting updates that are basically "Nurr this rapper rulz check out his phat beatz" or "Hurr Derp I'm growing a beeeeerdd" or "OMG MY FRIENDS SUCK AND I AM SAD AND CRYING EYESHADOW TEARS"

So back to the update. Well, I still have a job. The Horror. I've been fighting an epic battle against the Balrog of Bureaucracy, tumbling through the depths of Mount Misinformation wielding only the Sword of Stupidity and the Staff of Shame and relying on my small but loyal Halfling companions to deliver me the Fingerprints of Fighting so I can stay here for another year.

See what I did there?

I got some new friends. Captain Canada, St. Patrick, Okie Dokie, Apartheid Annie, Crazy Eyes and Token Yellow, but they suck at the moment because they appear to be mad at me and won't tell me why and have been subsequently shunned, so I'm on another quest for new friends, which begins tomorrow when I will be thrust into an entirely new group of shambling hominids (no offense people I haven't met yet) to learn their language and attempt to blend into the local culture. I hope they use forks. Or at least chew their food.

I've been looking around for jobs since I am determined to continue with my "International Experience". I am determined to be a "Professor" at a university (9 weeks of vacation, what?)and will call myself "Professor Failsyou". Or something. I'm still working on that.

It's cold, I've been sick, We're all going to die a fiery death by the damn Commies, Christmas might be cool again, I need a vacation.

I think that about covers it.


See You on the Dark Side

"One of them had to stop burning. The sun wouldn't, certainly. So it looked as if it had to be Montag and the people he had worked with until a few short hours ago. Somewhere the saving and putting away had to begin again and someone had to do the saving and keeping, one way or another, in books, in records, in people's heads, any way at all so long as it was safe. free from moths, silverfish, rust and dry-rot, and men and matches. The world was full of burning of all types and sizes. Now the guild of the asbestos weaver must open shop very soon."

-Ray Bradbury

So I've rediscovered an old flame:

Books

She's a manipulative mistress, but long ago I fell slave to her charms. I escaped her for a short while and went a-whoring about with Real Life, experiencing this diversion or playing with that bauble, but she has come a calling once again and I am powerless to refuse her gentle knock. Wave Adieu, O readers who actually see me face to face, for the long cold winter approaches and a literary hibernation is imminent.


See You on the Dark Side

Small Victories...

Things I have conquered in the last 5 months:

1. Homesickness: To be honest I never thought I would have it, but the oddest things creep up when you're a long way from anything remotely resembling the familiar.

2. Fear of talking to strangers: Healthy though it may be for a child and certainly requiring it's own level of personal discernment, it was time for that to be done with.

3. Fear of asking ladies on dates: This one is hard for every nerd slowly coming into adulthood.

4. Fear of getting lost in a foreign country: Come on guys, it happens. Don't worry you'll eventually find that metro station if you keep walking north through those apartment buildings

5. Need for control: Let's face it, there's no such thing here for us, so just roll with it.

6. (Most of) An overinflated sense of justice: I can't threaten First Ammendment law suits here. No First Ammendment.

7. Shame at having to ask for help: Trust me, you'll need help.

I'm sure there are more but I've spent the whole week playing tour guide and it's naptime.


See You on the Dark Side

"I don't know if what we did last night was right or not. But at the time I decided not to force myself to judge anything. If the flow is there, I figured I'd just let it carry me along where it wanted."

A friend of mine said something very insightful the other day. It's probably a bit of a misquotation, but it went something along the lines of "Sometimes people haven't had enough of something, and you know that no matter how many times you warn them they won't quit until they have." It is with limitless regret that I open the following can of worms. I was briefly (what I, a reasonable experienced, albeit woefully untalented, adult, would call) dating someone. Said person was apparently either already involved with someone and misread my intentions, or was in the midst of making a decision on whether to make said someone a serious installment in her life. The point is moot, as the result is the same either way. That's right, I am once again fully available at any local meat market (rejoice ladies) for the low low price of one sloppy makeout session. However, as most (read: all) of my Suwon friends have either moved or been fired or both over the course of the last month, that leaves me with little choice but to accept the offer of "plain ol' friendships". So here I go, repeating a pattern I have adopted with at least a mild degree of success for over a decade.


Now for Totally Awesome News, we move to Olly. Olly?

"FAMILY'S IN TOWN!"

Thank you Olly.

That's right kiddies, my brother is coming on Saturday. Now I haven't seen this guy in over three years, so we've got some catching up to do. He's got his own share of issues which are, frankly, none of your damn business, but hopefully we'll be able to go over those while he's here as well as see some of the touristy crap I haven't had the stomach to do by myself.


The job is still a bit shit, but I still have one so once again, my paranoia refuses to pan out.

Well, that's the news for now. I know it will change some of your lives and might even inspire a nunnery for a few of you. Try to maintain your sense of individuality. For the others, I have some delicious Kool-Aid on the table to your right...


See You on the Dark Side.

Peaks and Valleys

Boy Howdy, this place is a ride.

So, you may recall in my last post I mentioned I was the only foreigner left at my hakwon. Turns out that wasn't entirely true. There is also an upper middle-aged (maybe 50? It's rude to ask where I come from) Canadian whose BFF is the owner of my little slice of Purgatory, hence his immunity to the various strains of bullshit that go on. That guy knows how to play the game, although I suppose being in the same age bracket helps lube the social intercourse. Be that as it may, his time here is up in October and then there will be a new wrinkle in time to deal with.

This is of course assuming I still have a job come All Hallows Eve. Call me paranoid (and most do) but my presence has been requested in a one on one meeting with The Big Boss on the first day of the month, 30 days notice from the start of a new term. Add to that the fact that if they wait any longer I don't have to pay them back for my plane ticket, the hiring of two brand spanking new Waegooks, the steady diminution of average student population and my students' observation that no American Male at my school has ever made it longer than 4 months and we have ourselves a bit of a thriller in the writing. This whole situation is also oddly similar to the events leading up to the Mass Foreigner Termination of August 2010.


Now, I will be the first to admit that my theories rarely pan out the way I expect, but in true conspiracist fashion I choose to attribute that to the assumption that even I in all of my vaunted suspicion fail to account for every one of Them and the true power and influence that They possess. I also sometimes miss out on what Their real objectives may be because as we all know there is always a plot twist in the end.


I will leave you with that for now as it's hot and humid and I have to go push a motorcycle up the street. Stupid needy friends.


See You on the Dark Side

Shocker...

Turns out the Super Secret Clandestine Meetings With the Big Boss were just to fire every foreign teacher at my hakwon but me.

No biggie.



See You on The Dark Side

Please Sir, Can I Have Some More?

It's been a wierd week for me so far, and it's only Tuesday.

Fantastic.

I feel like the last kid left at the orphanage after all of the prospective parents take their darling Foundlings to hearth and home. It seems like most of the Blogger community has taken a semi-permanent summer hiatus and gone and left the country, or is preparing to leave as we speak. Now some of you have gone on vacations, for which there is no resentment. If I could get out of here right now, I would be doing the same. Unfortunately, I chose to trade the daily frustration of teaching children for a job which not only requires me to work relatively late AND oppressively early, but also offers little to no vacation at all. So, while all of you lucky buggers are off enjoying your various and sundry multicultural experiences I remain teaching (yes, actually teaching, not sitting around or using half of my day for planning) my 8 hours per day and quietly plotting the demise of key members of my particular teaching community.

Not that I'm complaining (I am) or wishing I were elsewhere (I do), but even with all of my planning, research and vaunted ambitions to become El Teachero Supremo this job has turned out to be much tougher than I expected. Well, not the job itself, that part is actually easy after my fourth cup of coffee in the morning. No, the hard part is something I was hoping to avoid: Office Drama. Usually I am quite capable of avoiding the business of others or simply ignoring people until they go away. However, some events have transpired and information has come my way which makes me wary. First, they tried to rip me off on my last paycheck. I nipped that shit in the bud. Second, the foreigners were blatantly accused of being racist by a korean woman who recently offered the Canadian/Chinese waegook a job as her "Chinese Housekeeper to Cook Clean and Raise My Baby". Third, all of the foreigners are now being called in individually for Super Secret Clandestine Meetings With the Big Boss, who speaks no English and refuses to detail what these Super Secret Clandestine Meetings With the Big Boss are all about. Couple that with having to work until 10pm and then get up at 5:30 am to go back to work and my patience begins to wear thin.

I am not pretty in the morning.

I might be in a bad mood due to the heat.

I might be a little disillusioned due to the recent ugly-head-rearing of the Double Standard

But the money is good for someone in my position, especially the overtime.

I have goals Damn It.

So I'm sticking it out, unless of course they start screwing around with my money again. Thanks for the kick in the ass Mom.


See You on The Dark Side

Vanity...

Today I ponder one of life' s age old mysteries:

Who the hell puts a mirror in an office full of female Korean twenty-somethings?




See you on the Dark Side

Damn it.

You know when you're perusing your favorite social networking site and you run into the picture of that girl who liked you in high school and you kinda had your choice but you went for her friend instead?

Shit.

On a positive note:

Favorite quote of the day:

"If the child is mutant, you must abort"

That is all.

See you on the Dark Side

Not Sleeping

I always have trouble sleeping on Sunday nights. I suppose it's a combination of the late nights and the later mornings. With my schedule I'm pretty exhausted by the end of the week which results in being lazy in the a.m. on Saturday and Sunday, if I see the a.m. at all. So, instead of sleeping I am sitting at my computer writing a blog, listening to Hooverphonic and drinking coffee. This has led me to one irrefutable conclusion:

I need a day job.

I could totally get used to this whole waking up and having time to ease into my day with some decent tunes and coffee gig. As it is I wake up around 5:45 which gives me just enough time to get ready and get to work a little early and get off at 10 p.m. just in time to go home and go straight to sleep. Granted, I have 9 hours in between class blocks to do a bunch of crap, but split shifts suck any way you slice it.

Now there are a couple of ways I could go about achieving this lofty and lucrative goal.

1. Stick it out until February and then beg off of my contract a little early, giving notice so I can get my release letter. This would allow me to POSSIBLY get a university job, which is kinda the Holy Grail here. Daytime hours, comparable pay and 14 weeks of vacation, plus still teaching "adults".

2. Stick it out until the end of the contract in March, take a little vacation and then come back and apply for an after school program (which requires at last a year of experience). Better pay than University and still only teaching 6 hours per day but only 2 weeks vacation.

3. Give notice as soon as I have round trip airfare fly back Stateside and start the whole E-2 process again, thereby restarting my 9 month newbie penalty over again but armed with the knowledge of how the system works and a better grip on what kind of job to look for.

I feel it's fairly obvious which one is the best option.

Don't get me wrong, I'm really comfortable here in Suwon. I fee like I'm getting somewhere by being here even though I have no idea where that somewhere is. I very much enjoy the life here with only a few exceptions, but those exceptions are in no way Korea-specific.

I guess loneliness has set in a bit and my family is going through some bullshit right now. At the risk of sounding like a whiner, making friends here is hard. The language barrier has been getting in the way of really getting to know Koreans and expats are both scarce and stand-offish, which is understandable since it seems like you're always saying goodbye to someone. Add to that an inability to have a social life any time other than Saturday and Sunday and pretty constant exhaustion due to my work schedule and you have a recipe for hermitude, which I am already inclined toward and need no help with.

I don't know, maybe it's the heat. Maybe I'm just getting worn out. Maybe I'm just a Grouchy Bitch. Probably that last one.


See You on the Dark Side

O Frabjous Day...

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"


He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.


And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!


One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.


"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

-Lewis Carroll


If you've been wondering what I've been doing these last few days, here's an update:


Skipping with glee.


That's right, I am the happiest bottle of whiskey on the shelf right now. Not so long ago I recieved a hastily penned note from the administration of my school stating that in order to prepare for my intensive summer classes I needed to prepare 7 weeks of lesson plans in the space of about 12 days. For those of you who don't know, my hakwon usually only has class from 6:30 am until about noon and then from 6pm until 10pm of which I work about 7 hours leaving me the afternoons to get errands done, catch up on precious precious sleep and generally have no fun whatsoever. However, during the summer and winter "breaks" they open up the school in the afternoons for university students to come and study away what little vacation time they have. And who is to teach these courses? Why the people who are already working split shifts of course. So you can imagine my ire at the prospect of spending my free time prepping work for a wide range of skill levels (there is no prep time built into our paid working time mind you) and then spending the two hottest of months teaching 10 hours per day on no sleep.

And now you're wondering about the happy.


I have been spared my children. The whimsical gods of fate and fortune have seen fit to once again reward my faith by stripping me of any additional duties this summer. now I may have to work a few extra hours in the morning and evening to cover for the teachers who are not as favored as I and are being forced into teaching intensives, but no afternoons for me, Huzzah! There was dancing involved, but so enraptured was I that I forgot to turn on my webcam and record the festivities. Now it remains unspecified, but since I will not be teaching those classes I see no reason to actually prepare for them.

Who says procrastination doesn't pay off.


See You on the Dark Side

Sad Days

Everyone has them, and now it's my turn.

I've been in a bit of a funk this last week and, like a true recluse, I have crawled into my Handy Hidey Hole and refused to come out for less than 20000 won an hour. This happens to me sometimes. Something completely innocuous will rear it's ugly innocuously shaped head, stick out it's innocuously purple tongue and "THPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTHAGHLTHPPT". Innocuously. This serves to remind me of one of the three things that can actually bring my crushingly charming optimism crashing down around my ears.

I miss my dad. He was a damn good man. One of the best I've ever met and one of the few who could completely disagree with you, let you know about it, but leave you feeling stronger for sticking to your own opinion. He's been dead for 3 1/2 years now, but I have... episodes... now and again. I can usually drown this out with a quick pity party involving a few (many) beers in a dimly lit (seedy) pub and listening to some Ulrich Schnauss albums. Sadly, I have yet to find pub, beer (Cass and Hite are no more beer than Busch or Bud Light) or Ulrich Schnauss albums as I lost all of my music in the tragic PC Genocide of 2009 and Pandora doesn't work here. Also, I drank the last of my Scotch last weekend and have not yet been paid, preventing me from purchasing said sacred nectar. So the best I've been able to do for drowning is Massive Attack and Burger King, which isn't as therapeutic as one might initially believe.


Well that's it. Bleh. Poor me, whatever.

See You on the Dark Side

Freddy Mercury

I'd do him

Coffee Shop Girls

God I love em. Every race creed and color, I love em. I know they're paid to be nice and accomodating, but there's something about that pony-tail and that shy smile. They will one day be the death of me I'm sure.

See You on the Dark Side

Diplomacy

Damn it.


3 weeks in and I've already managed to befriend the two teachers who, out of nowhere, have developed an intense and fiery hatred for each other. Consequently, I managed to have my first "Leave Me The Hell Out Of It" conversation. This has presented it's own set of difficulties in a culture where politeness and the semblance of agreement is prized more than honesty. You see, in the States I could use such choice vocabulary as, oh, say... "Leave Me The Hell Out Of It", but the combination of the fact that I share an "office" with both of them and the aforementioned affinity for face-saving prevents me from being as efficient as I would like. So, I learn a new skill: The Art of the Honeyed Tongue (minds out of the gutter my lesbies :p), by which I mean careful diplomatic treading of the estrogen minefield that is my work environment.

As for work, things are much better since I gritted my teeth and surrendered my sense of self-importance. A painful process as those of you who've actually met me can attest. So for now, all's well on all but maybe the Northern Fronts.

See you on the Dark Side

Back In The Shackles Again...

Vacations over kiddos.

Yup, I couldn't figure a way out of it, so I finally had to get a cell phone. Hopefully I can keep this somewhat under wraps and I won't have to deal too much with the unnecessary calling and texting and calling and texting and weeping and gnashing of teeth when I don't call or text back. I don't think this place is ready for my no nonsense personal cell phone policies.

You see, a cell phone is not a necessity, it is a convenience. My convenience. Not yours. I am not at your beck and call. I have a job, and I shower, and I sleep, and I listen to music, and I go to the movies, and I have OTHER FRIENDS, but most importantly SOMETIMES I LIKE TO BE ALONE. Actually most of the time I like being alone, but I'm making a concerted effort to meet new people because imaginary friends are not as much fun to blow off.

On the up side, I've made some breakthroughs on the teaching front. I was hesitant to use this particular trick of the trade because it makes me feel like I'm not doing my job, but with this class I had no other viable option. I pawned them off on each other. And it worked! They're at least an order of magnitude more talkative with each other than they are when they're talking to me. I guess whatever gets them to practice their spoken English is my job, so I can take this one as a win, even when I feel like I'm just standing around soaking up cash.


See You on the Dark Side.

Attitude Check

I suck at blogging.

Truth be told it stems from a lack of ability to express myself in the manner in which other bloggers seem to have such skill. And yes, I am comparing myself to other bloggers, some of which have actually been trained in writing (thpppt).

"But Whiskey," you say, "Why should you care how others write? It's your blog and you should write it however you please and bugger all of those people who may or may not judge you for your vocabulary and grammatical accuracy."

Well, I do, so nyah. Call me insecure if you must, but forgive me for actually wanting to use the verbal skill that I know I have but can't seem to bring to bear in an actual spoken conversation due to a deep-seated fear of tripping over my own words in real time.

Also I'm kind of lazy.

That's all the self-deprecation you get from me.


I would say it's been a busy week for me, but that wouldn't necessarily be true. I actually spend an inordinate amount of time sifting through the various movies and crime dramas on television.

"But Whiskey," you say, "You're in another country with a whole new culture to explore and people to meet and sites to see. Why are you sitting in your room watching TV?"

You would be absolutely correct. I don't like the fact that I'm reduced to that most insidious of time-wasters. As a matter of fact, I hate it. However, seeing as I spent my last two months in the States unemployed and Korea is more expensive than my last residence and my first paycheck doesn't come for another month and every available remaining penny is in a secluded place here in country, I have to be sparing with my cash. This is unfortunate due to the fact that there are a lot of holidays in May offering several opportunities for me to go out and do some super cool things. I have managed pretty well so far though. I went to Seoul last weekend with ImNoPicasso (I would link her blog, but I haven't figured out the html linky thing-a-ma-jig yet) to see the lantern festival parade which was a fantastic cultural experience. Meandering around and getting lost in Seoul is everything I expected it to be.

On a more professional note, I'm beginning to lose my patience with one of my classes. I can feel it. I know I shouldn't, especially as a teacher and especially this early on, but there it is. I understand that speaking another language is intimidating, I really do. But these are not children and they have demonstrated the ability to do so repeatedly and with reasonable proficiency in class with their peers present, but never without me singling them out and forcing them to do so. I teach adult classes, so I know it's not teenage awkwardness, and they're choosing to spend their own money to come every day so I know it's not that they don't want to be there. I try to be as encouraging as humanly possible on the odd occasion that one does voluntarily choose to speak, but to no avail. I really want to help them learn, but I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do in my one CONVERSATIONAL English class that chooses not to converse. Thankfully none of my bosses have been on my back about it yet, so I guess there've been no complaints, which is good.

Whatever, I'll figure it out or get over it.

Sorry about the bitchin'

See you on the Dark Side

Le Weep...

My God...


I found it...


It was so beautiful.


And Homeplus is my new best friend.


Tucked away in a corner amidst bottle after bottle of unrefined swill, I struck the motherload. A glittering treasure trove of maroon boxes with smooth gold lettering spelling out hours of pure sipping bliss was a stash of Macallen 12 year scotch. At a mere 89,000 won ($90 or so US) which I am more than willing to pay for the luxury of having a steady supply at my fingertips. It wll be a more occasional treat than it used to be, but it's there, which is of endless comfort to me.


I cried a little.


See you on the Dark Side

This place is awesome!

I swear there is a reason that it's been a while since I've posted. I've been getting used to my environment. Finding my way around town, getting the stuff I need to get in and out of Seoul, figuring out how to spend my money so I don't run out before I get paid, and generally getting into the Rhythm of this place has been pretty time and energy consuming.

It seems that this town has become quickly comfortable, even though much of it is alien and difficult. Going it alone has presented both challenges and payoffs in the last week or so. I've had a lot of low moments where I've questioned my decision to come here and do this job wth no training and little if any guidance in terms of how to find a social niche, and those times have been particularly poignant when it's 3am in the States and all of the people I would have talked to about it are asleep. However, those moments have been completely offset by fantastic encounters and experiences that would have been impossible had I not made this leap. From being welcomed to Korea by a smiling Buddhist monk on the street who didn't speak a word of English to meeting up with Internet people who go ridiculously and quite literally out of their way to be helpful (thanks Liz, I had a blast!), to my first drag show experience outside of the station (which I will post as soon as I upload it), to a last minute day trip into Seoul to a beautiful park and a crushingly crowded shopping district full of Waegookin of all races.

I have to give a shout out to the expat community here who have been my lifeline and have been more helpful than I could possibly have hoped as well as the immensely friendly Koreans who have endless patience with my fumbling about. You don't really think about the simple things that you don't know, like how to find a restaurant that will let you eat alone, or where you go to get groceries or how to operate your washing machine which is, of course, completely labeled in Korean until you're starving and have no clean underwear.

I've adopted a new idea for myself: Born Lucky. I have no idea how I managed to stumble into a situation where many of the hardships other teachers have faced have completely passed me by, but I'm taking it as a confirmation from the universe that this is in fact a good road for me to be on, and while I miss my friends and family terribly, I'm very happy here which is a new experience for me.

I'll talk more about some of these things later, but this has gotten long enough and I have to sleep so I can get up at 530 am.

See you on the Dark Side

Why do I hate myself?

One would think that in all of my research over the last many moons, I would be better prepared for the social scene here. One would be wrong though.

As I mentioned earlier, I went out with some of the other teachers the other night where I experienced the full force of native peer pressure. We went to this really cool little bar with kind of a middle eastern theme and had some finger food and beer, after which we went to another bar and met up with another of the teachers and one of her friends. It was here that I really should have stopped. I don't drink tequila, unless apparently there are five koreans shoving it in my hand and demanding I drink it. But I did, just for the sake of politeness.

Now, I mentioned I should have stopped. But as you can probably deduce by this point stopping was not, it would seem, an option. I was next taken to an "expat" club which is a giant screaming pulsating blinking multicultural monstrosity that never ceases to suck unfortunate passersby into it's gaping maw of dance and doom. Needless to say I had a blast. But all of that fun comes at a price, and I have once again decided it is a price I am unwilling to pay. After having spent an entire day lying around making unsuccessful attempts to keep something in my stomach, I have a new mission and I need your help.

If any of you kids out there enjoy a nip every now and then, but not to excess, I need to know how you go out with people here and have some fun while maintaining your general sobriety and not causing offense. Help a brother out, yo!


See you on the Dark Side

In Transit Pt. I

So I've decided to document all of the Wierdo McOddity that has happened to me in the last 48 hours. However, I will be doing it in a somewhat reverse order and in chunks as I don't have a lot of time before my first foreigner party. As it turns out, the person I am replacing is still here (although out of the apartment now so no more love motel for me) and his compadres are throwing him a going away party. I have been invited, and despite the fact that I am quite busily staving off jet lag I can't pass up the chance to actually meet some people.


I got lost today. Yup, not even 24 hours here and I've aleady managed to wander aimlessly into the night. Now, be aware that I don't have a phone yet, don't speak the language, and have no clear understanding of urban geography. I also know only two people here and only know the location of their domicile, which is relatively useless information at this point. All I had was my street name and the vague hope that I would be able to comprehend the directions given by whatever sympathetic English speaking soul was willing to help me.

To top it all off, I was only popping down to the corner store 50 feet down the street for some water, so of course I left my ipod with my handy Korean language app and all of my phrasebooks in my apartment. Couple that with slight globe-trot-induced discombobulation and a deep-seated need to see what's down that alley over there and you've got trouble.

I played a lot of video games "when I was a kid" and I think this is what eventully proved to be my salvation. See, your average RPG (role-playing game) has dungeons or mazes for you to enter, clean out, and find sweet loot in. I eventually figured out the pattern by which these dungeons are designed and realized "when in doubt, turn left." So with the philosophy of "If it ain't broke don' fix it" I followed my gut and eventually found the garage of the love motel in which I stayed and from there made my way back home. However, it was not all mild panic and pitter-pattering heartbeats. I also found a Dominoes, a Baskin Robbins, a Starbucks, 14 DVD bangs, 3 lecturing adjummas and a Paris Baguette. Awesome!

I should probably curb this curiosity at least until I get a phone.

Probably won't though.


See you on The Dark Side

Aaaand, Here I am!

I'm here! In a love motel until guy moves out of my place tomorrow! I don't work until monday! I can't see straight! I will sleep now! More when I have solid internet access.


See you on the Dark Side

Here I Come...

Sorry for the short posts these days, I've got a few things on my plate.

I leave my hometown for the last 6 years tomorrow night for a complete body transplant into the land of Kimchi and Misunderstanding. I've said a lot of goodbyes in the last 24 hours, some painful, some relieving and some downright mystifying. But in all of it I have the faith and confidence of the inspired, so I leave you tonight with a few things both melancholy and hopeful.








*poem courtesy of Ananth and Yuko at Johnny Wander
http://www.johnnywander.com/

See you on the Dark Side

Bah!

I am up late drinking Scotch and reading Ginsberg.

God I wish I could write like him.

God I need to get out of here.





God I wish I could sleep...



See you on the Dark Side

Red State

Why do I always drink the last of my booze on saturday night?

I am currently two sips away from my last 6 point beer. I'm out of Scotch, the Vodka is gone, and even the girly crap SOMEONE left in my refrigerator has gone the way of the velociraptor. To top it off I live in one of the most conservative states on the union, which means that liquor stores are closed on sundays and other stores only sell 3 point crap, which is the perpetrator in the crime to my previously pristine waistline.

I have got to learn to plan better.

Aaaand *glug* that's the last of it...

See you on the Dark Side

Structure, I needs it.

So I've been brushing up on my hangdrool. And by brushing up, I mean I made flashcards half an hour ago and have been scouring the internet for pronunciation guides because my THREE language books have failed me. I know I know, I should have done this a month ago, but I've been enjoying my relatively obligation free period of unemployment, so suck it Trebeck. Now first of all, no one and I mean NO ONE apparently knows a good example for this one particular character (which I haven't figured out how to type yet). Anyway, I don't feel like describing it right now, so I'll get back to that later.

Now I've already figured out that I need to leave the more complex dipthongs beginning with W and Y for later, after I have a modicum of control over the more basic vowels and consonants, aspirates and whatnot and I get that some of the characters are just doubles of the others. However, I like math. And as a stupid math-o-phile, I need a system. Something... I don't know... systematic. Or systemic, whichever does the trick.

Now I used to be pretty good at memorizing lines for plays and shit, but due to some... fantastic... choices when I was younger, my memory is not what it once was. However, I am confident that once I master the basics of visualizing a picture instead of a string of characters, I will be pretty damn good at speaking the language. I've found that's it's more a matter of zen-ing out and listening in blocks than trying to translate every word, which at the risk of tooting my own horn, I have a knack for. That may be because of my penchant for ignoring most of what goes on around me unless something triggers one of about a hundred cerebral switches that flash the "WARNING: REPLY REQUIREMENT IMMINENT" sign in my dude-brain.

Anywho, if anyone out there has any suggestions I'd love to hear them.

by the way, the character is thus far best described as making a "ui" sound and is one of the y-based dipthongs. There is a similar sound in Chinese, but I want to make sure I'm learning it right.

See you on the Dark Side

FLASH! AAaaah He'll save everyone of us!

Queen is the greatest band to walk the Earth.

Watch this movie ya jerks.



This is what happens when Scotch is readily available.

See you on the Dark Side.

Home...

Hand rolled cigarette: Check

Glass of 14 year old scotch: Check

Slice of deep dish Chicago style pizza: Check

Kung Fu movie: Check

There are some things in life that bring us to a state of zen-like comfort. These things may take a lifetime of exploration and experimentation to find, but once discovered they are an important step into an existential realm of the sublime. Mine happen to be a combination of things that were once outlawed by the mandates of a society in which I was raised but in which I was never truly at home. I have found some things that truly make me happy, and I fear that some of these things may shortly become unavailable to me. However, I also believe in never becoming sedate or complacent, and so I embark on a journey which will take me into an entirely new realm of discovery. Find what brings you to enlightenment, but never make the mistake of thinking that those are the only things which will.


See you on the Dark Side

Editor's note: The other option for this post was "Holy Shit! Cheetahs!" That's what happens when you watch the Nature channel drunk. Maybe I'll post that one later.

Four Lesbians and I...

Had burgers yesterday.


I believe it is safe to say that a good half of my friends are gay. I'm pretty proud of this given the fact that I live in the buckle of the Bible Belt and was raised in a deeply Southern Baptist family, but it doesn't come without it's own set of challenges. Due to the blatant prejudice rampant in the afore-mentioned locale in which I was raised and, for the moment, still reside, I have found that meeting new people of a less conventional sexual preference is usually frought with uncertainty on both sides. They are usually a little trepidatious with me because they don't know if I am judging them while I in turn am on eggshells trying not to let my inner asshole out.


I have what some consider to be an abrasive sense of humor, and what all consider to be a complete disregard for the niceties of conversational etiquette. Honestly, I just don't see the point. Really? I have neither the patience nor the inclination to dance around a given issue, or try to be "polite" when a question needs to be answered or a problem solved. I am blunt, bull-headed, honest, forthright, stubborn, probably opinionated and sometimes even arrogant. How am I doing so far ladies? Husband material yet?

However the gay issue is somewhat close to my heart, since I have so many close friends who are, so I make an exception. I try my hardest to put new friends at ease and let them get to know me before I unleash the Kraken.

I think the reason it's such a big deal for me is that there's so much out there that conspires to make us bitter and distant from each other and, while I may be a bit cynical and jaded, I love to see people finding love and comfort wherever they can. So when some whack job at the state capitol tries to tell my friends that because they have found a bastion in which they can take refuge against the creeping tide of hate and derision that life sometimes brings, but that bastion is made of brick instead of stone, they are different and somehow inferior to other people, I take umbrage. Big violent poison-spewing fucking umbrage. I'm so glad to be getting out of here.

Now as I understand it, the situation is no better where I'm going. As a matter of fact it is a few orders of magnitude worse. Well, what's life without a challenge eh? That and my steel wool personality will probably be getting me into a lot of trouble. If you see me in the ROK, bring scotch.

See you on the Dark Side

p.s. On a lighter note, I watched Ninja Assassins. Twice. In the same night. BAD. ASS.

Got a little Captain in ya?

I haven't been blogging much. Well, tough. One would think that, being unemployed, I would have a lot more time to do things like this. Unfortunately I have discovered that the number of things I have to talk about is inversely proportional to the amount of free time I have on my hands. see Graph A:

Probably the most significant recent development is that I turned 31. Yup. We had a pirate party. My friends are pretty cool and I will be sad to leave those dirty motherfuckers behind, but they're too damn uncultured to come with me. Well I hope they enjoy their backward banjo-playing, pig-fucking midwestern life. Also, for those of you who don't know, it is still mustache march, the bastard stepchild of no-shave november, some of the most fantastic holidays ever invented. Now I kind of forgot about this until about a week ago, so I did the best I could:

Well, that's pretty much it. I'm still waiting on my visa number from immigration, then it's down to Texas to get a visa, move out of my apartment, get to Seattle for a few days and I should be in SoKo by the end of April.

See you on The Dark Side

Thumb Twiddlin'

Boredom has set in.

So, recently, I published that I had gotten a job which is true, but as I am quickly becoming personally aware, even before leaving the lands of my birth, it does not come without it's own generous helping of frustration. After having gotten all of the necessary documents in order, stamped with the appropriate marks of quasi-officiality, neatly packaged in a protected and insured container, paid for in blood, sent via "express" mail which I am fairly certain means delivered via pack mule, I recieve a phone call.

We shall call her Lucy.

Lucy is my Korean-born, American-raised, Korean employed recruiter. She has been good to me so far and barring her revealing her true nature as a brilliant corporate double-agent, I am choosing to trust her. However, all is not sunshine and roses as you might have expected any transaction in my target country of choice to be. I have been informed that the teacher I am replacing has opted to stay on for an extra month. Now this has two distinct results for me. First, it gives me a degree of optimism as to the pleasant working environment I am getting myself into which, given the spewing cesspool of negativity that is Dave's, is a nice little surprise. Second and more immediately relevant is the fact that I now have another month to sit on my ass.

I had already quit my job and prepared myself for a whirlwind of activity culminating in a triumphant arrival, treading proudly through avenues of natives kissing my cargoes and offering me their daughters. What I now have is entirely too much time on my hands and too few video games left to fill it. Guess I'll go finish this bottle of scotch...

See you on the Dark Side

Snail Mail

I may have made a terrible mistake.

Now those of you who know me and are reading this will need to go ahead and pick up your jaws off the floor. For those of you don't, allow me to clarify: I don't make mistakes. There may be extraordinarily awkward and troublesome consequences to my actions, but do not be deceived, those actions are not mistakes. Entire populations may wail and perish as a result of my unplanned and careless wandering, but there were no mistakes. The doctor says this ointment will deal with that rash and I am a little hazy on her name, but it wasn't a mistake. These are all just interesting side plots in the film noir of my life.

However, this time I may have, well... goofed.

I used the United States Postal Service to send some necessary documents to the ROK.

It will take 7 days.

7 days? Really? I'm fairly certain I could hitchhike and stowaway my way there in less. Sure I run the risk of ending up in 7 pieces by the side of the road or being kidnapped by Singaporean pirates and sold as a sex slave in Myanmar. I am very pretty after all. Damn my rugged David Tennant good looks. Anywho, I'm not sure FedEx would have been any quicker, but I was too lazy to go find out. Hopefully No One steals my job before it all gets there.

See you on the Dark Side

Oh Yeah...

I got a job!

Conversational English classes with University students and business people.


I don't have to baby-sit. Suck it, chumps.

See you on the Dark Side

Money, Money, Money, Money... mmMONEY!

Dear Congress,

Stop telling me what the problem is. I know what the problem is.

You want my money.

Let's back up for a moment. Against my better judgement I have been watching clips of the televised health care "debate". Now, normally I would be pleased as punch to watch our dual party system scrabble and pinch and hair-pull for the 5% undecided constituency. It keeps any of you from doing any more damage than you already have. But, things being what they are, we have a few wrinkles to deal with, namely the fact that corporations now rule the country.

But I digress. We were talking about my money.

First, the obvious: you have instituted a blatantly unconstitutional income tax and convinced the yokels that it's okay. Well done. Then you have made a lack of car insurance a criminal offense, so I am now legally obligated to fund this industry in order to get to my job to make money to fund the industry to get to my job to make money... you get the idea.

Next, a few less Mad Max spiked-knee-to-the-face tactics: Insurance companies want my money, car companies want my money, Wal-Mart wants my money, Your Mom wants my money, the oil industry wants my money, the bank wants my money, etc. "but those are corporations, not us". Yes, corporations that use their massive financial resources to "lobby" you to stall, veto, reword into uselessness and other clever actions, any legislation which might actually do the public some good. If you don't they will twist your image like a vindictive psychotic girlfriend on your balls to the point that you lose your credibility with the slobbering masses, thusly their vote and shortly thereafter, your job. You like your job. It's a good job. You get paid to stand around with your mouth open and let hot air escape. I am looking forward to having a similar job soon. I however, do not get to enjoy "fringe benefits" like a cool free mansion to live in and a private security force and free steak dinners and awesome under-the-table relationships with local mafia.

So, you get to keep your money and give away mine.

I'm taking my money and going somewhere else. Screw you America.

/political rant off

See you on the Dark Side

Oh... By Casual, You meant Formal...

I have rediscovered a passion of mine. In China we called it Chenglish. I suppose I should start referring to it by it's new moniker "Konglish", although every time see I see that word I see a Giant Gorilla on top of the Empire State Building asking tiny toy planes for directions.

I was asked via email for additional pictures to show to my potential employers which were more "casual". Now, being an exceptionally skilled ninja, I'm not really a picture person. It makes public restaurant assassination a bit dicey. So I spent an hour sifting through various files on my laptop trying to find work safe pictures that would show my fun, non-assassiny side. I came up with a few that I thought were appropriate, including one of me cutting quite the rug at a dance party and another of me with an ex (she is very pretty, albeit fucking psychotic, which I figured couldn't hurt my case). I was later told by my recruiter that what they actually wanted was something with me wearing a suit, which as we all know, is the pinnacle of relaxation in the US of A.

Oh yeah, I've missed this, and it's gonna be good.

Now, I'm an irresponsible 30 year old boy. That's why I've lived off of the Coffee Retail Industry for the last 7 years. It keeps me in booze, frozen chicken and video games. It's the life right? well, I'm bored and sick of American entitlement, so there ya go. The moral of the story is this: I don't own a suit. The last time I wore a suit was at my dad's funeral, and I'm pretty sure I borrowed it, so they're just shit out of luck.

See you on the Dark Side

All Systems Are Go...

What the shit.

Well, now that the tone has been set for this little experiment, on to the meat of things.

You know how your girlfriend makes you watch those movies where the guy meets the girl, they fall in love but she's getting married/engaged/joining a nunnery. He screws it up by "being the good guy"/having a secret past/sleeping with her best friend. She leaves the country to pursue her now marred "dream" and he jumps on the next flight, chases after her to Brigadoon, spills his heart out and they live happily ever after.

This is a scenario is a lie. A clever ruse perpetrated by giant aeronautics corporations to keep you buying airline tickets in the hope that you can live the fairy tale in some halcyon paradise.

Greedy Bastards.

Do you have any idea what it takes to move to another country? I'll give you a hint: I've been working on this for a year. That's right kids, I'm moving to South Korea. Welcome to the freak show. I'm not going to tell you who I am yet because frankly, I don't trust you. It's kept me out of Chinese prisons and child free for 30 years, so if it works, don't fuck with it.

See you on the Dark Side.